I Had an Affair: A Guide to Healing and Moving Forward
Author: Kaitlyn Shelp, MA, LMHC
Reviewer: Dr. Mary Perleoni, Ph.D., LMHC ✓
“I had an affair, now what?”
This is a very common question the person who cheated asks themselves.
Having personally witnessed the many ways affairs come to light, I am here to offer guidance.
My name is Kaitlyn Shelp, I am a couples therapist with specialized training in infidelity recovery. Here is my guide for “how to” tell your partner that you had an affair.
Note: The information provided is being given under the assumption that lines of communication with the affair partner are closed and there is no longer a sexual or emotional connection with that person.
PRACTICE PROACTIVE TRANSPARENCY
Why Full Transparency Matters
Proactive transparency looks like volunteering as much information as possible without having to be asked. A common and misguided belief is that if you spare the betrayed spouse or party of intimate details, you are doing them a kindness and they don't want to know.
Some of the massive struggles of the betrayed partner is making sense of something that doesn't make sense, having to trust something they can't see, and the pain that is their brain filling in the gaps with worse case scenarios. It makes perfect sense when we think about it- the once safe foundation they had in you as a partner and friend is gone and they can't see the relationship the same way. There is completely broken trust.
The Dangers of "Trickle Truthing"
To minimize the damage caused, be fully transparent. Rip the band-aid off entirely. One of the worst things the unfaithful can do is called trickle truthing. This term was coined to describe the pattern of small pieces of information coming out over a long period of time. If you find that you've been trickle truthing, take ownership of the mistake and hurt this has caused your partner and make a commitment to them and yourself to start fresh today with laying the full truth out on the table. Total transparency.
When they have a question, answer it directly and concisely. Talk to them when they have questions about the affair as often as they need you to. Repeat your story as often as they ask you to. If they are asking that they can see your devices in order to help rebuild trust, allow them to. Any resistance to this can be interpreted as you still have something to hide or are choosing the affair partner over your primary partner.
Building a Bridge to Trust
In couples therapy treatment, I talk about the use of checking devices as a temporary bridge to trust. It is okay in the short term, but will not be enough to sustain healthy relationship patterns. We have to do the deeper work to rebuild trust. This is another great reason to do this healing work with a skilled counselor. They can help you both find the middle ground and not lean too heavily on those bridges to trust for too long.
Each time a person struggling to rebuild trust and forgive is promised "this is it, you know everything" and finds out that is not true, it is like they are finding out about the affair all over again. Visually, think about crumpling a piece of paper. You have a few defined creases when you uncrumple it, but some areas are still smooth and it can hold the original shape for the most part.
Now crumple and uncrumple it again. Now again. Now again. Now again. What was once a few defined creases is hundreds. The paper may even be ripped in some areas. It no longer holds the original shape. This is what trickle truthing does to trust.
DO NOT DELETE ANYTHING
Your word is no longer enough for them to trust. They need proof of everything. As stated above, do not make the mistake of thinking you are sparing your partner deep pain by withholding information. They feel violated by what has taken place and do not want to feel further violated by only having exposure to the information you have filtered for them or deemed important. If there are photos, messages, and call logs with the affair partner, take the very difficult step of embodying that proactive transparency and let them see it all.
I understand that this bring up mixed feelings; it can feel hopeless and freeing to be honest. It is reasonable to worry that after seeing and hearing this, your partner will decide they want to leave or divorce. A reality that may bring you a small piece of comfort is knowing that if this is a deal breaker for them, no amount of withholding is going to change that. By withholding information, you would simply be delaying the inevitable outcome.
FIND PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT- START THE HEALING PROCESS
A piece of affair recovery that often gets overlooked is the healing process for the unfaithful person. Of course, the betrayed partner in the relationship does not have the capacity for giving emotional support to the person who cheated on them right now. Although it is not recommended, some people seek support in someone else they trust like family members and friends when they are at the peak of the emotional intensity of finding out someone cheated on them. This further contributes to the social isolation and ostracizing that the unfaithful person can feel. It can also amplify the pain of feelings of shame, guilt, regret, anger at self, sadness, hopelessness, and despair.
For your own recovery, it is best that you are working with a professional counselor who can give you space to process your feelings, feel supported, and figure out why you made the choices that you did so you are able to have a committed relationship in the future if you choose to.
If you feel like you are willing to work on healing with your partner, assign yourself the job of looking for a marriage counselor or couples counselor who knows specializes in infidelity counseling. There can certainly be hope for a healthier relationship.
A skilled counselor who works with infidelity, and especially those trained in Systematic Affair Recovery Therapy, will know and emphasize that a successful outcome is about having two healthy and healed people at the end of treatment, not about if a relationship is still intact.
As noted at the beginning of this article, the door to the affair partner or third party need to be completely closed. Marriage counseling cannot take place if the affair is still ongoing.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Be honest, open, willing, and humble. Own your mistakes. Verbalize your commitment to healing. Acknowledge how your choices have caused suffering.
Know you are not alone in this journey and you are still deserving of love and support. Good people can make bad choices. This mistake does not need to define who you are as a person.
Seek professional help. If you are in searching for Tampa couples therapy, we would love to be able to help you and have you schedule a free consultation call.
