A Couples Guide to Emotional Intimacy & Therapy
Author: Lauren Buroker, M.Ed/Ed.S, LMFT
Reviewer: Kaitlyn Shelp, MA, LMHC ✓
In an earlier article I covered intimacy as a whole; this article is intended to take a deeper look at emotional intimacy, including: why it's so hard sometimes, why it's important, and how to build emotional intimacy back into your relationship.
What is emotional intimacy?
Maybe you feel like the answer is obvious, but really think about it: what is emotional intimacy? Chances are, you might get stuck trying to actually explain it.
Emotional intimacy is going to look different to each person, but a common theme is the ability to trust that someone will accept you for who you are even when you make mistakes. Being emotionally intimate often involves perceiving the freedom to be yourself, and to trust that another person will support you through whatever that journey looks like. While this is often experienced in romantic relationships, we can also build emotional intimacy in friendships or with family members - it is often the foundation of any emotional bond that we develop. As such, when it is strained - or nonexistent - within a relationship, we may experience a sense of disconnection, struggle to have difficult conversations, or notice a reduction in positive feelings.
Human beings are built for connection with others, and the desire to feel safe, secure, and understood by another person drives many of our choices, especially within a relationship. If we perceive that safety to be missing, it can cause significant damage if not addressed.
Why emotional intimacy can be hard to achieve
Any type of intimacy requires vulnerability, but emotional intimacy can seem especially daunting. This can be the case for a variety of reasons. From not always knowing how to express one's self, to feeling misunderstood, to bad past experiences when we shared things (even if it wasn't with the person we're currently trying to build emotional intimacy with). Being vulnerable emotionally requires us to take a risk - we're putting ourselves out there when we share our innermost thoughts and feelings, and opening ourselves us to the possibility of rejection. And yet it is vital for a deeper connection.
Many things get in the way of vulnerability, and thus, emotional intimacy. We might be in a busy life stage, with barely enough time to relax let alone have an emotionally taxing talk with our partner. Or maybe we've been in a relationship for a long time, and the affection, trust, and satisfaction within it just seems to have waned over time. Maybe there's a fear of intimacy, whether we have an awareness of it or not. Like mentioned earlier, emotional intimacy requires risk, and our brains are wired to avoid risk!
Knowing why emotional intimacy can be hard is only part of the battle, though. What warning signs can you look out for to let you know if emotional intimacy is waning?
Signs your relationship is lacking in emotional intimacy
Since every relationship is unique, a lack of emotional intimacy will present itself in a variety of ways. However, there are some signs you can keep an eye out for:
Consistently feeling misunderstood
Not feeling safe to share emotions/hopes/dreams/fears with your romantic partner
A lack of connection or closeness to your partner
Decreased physical intimacy, affection, sex, etc
Feelings of resentment
An emotional distance - lack of communication about any topic, but especially feelings
Feeling unloved
The desire to seek human connection (sex, conversation, etc) outside the relationship
Experiencing even one of these things may feel disheartening to you - but a lack of emotional intimacy is not impossible to overcome! While it takes time, effort, and a willingness to communicate openly, emotional intimacy can be rebuilt.
Benefits of emotional intimacy in relationships
So far I've talked plenty about what emotional intimacy is, and how a lack of it can impact your relationship with your partner. But why does this matter so much? In other words, what do we get out of having relationships with strong emotional ties?
Emotional bank account
One of the main reasons that having strong emotional intimacy is of benefit to a relationship is that it helps maintain our "emotional bank account" - this is a term coined by a prolific relationship scientist, John Gottman. The idea behind it is that just like with our actual bank accounts, every positive interaction leads to a "deposit" while negative ones lead to "withdrawals" in our relationship. The "balance" in our emotional bank account is what allows us to give grace, let things go, etc. Emotional intimacy is a key way to make deposits to this bank account, so that when we do mess up (which is inevitable!) our partners are more likely to laugh it off or work with us than to berate or tear us down.
Managing conflict
Related to the emotional bank account concept, emotional intimacy can also improve conflict management. Conflict is unavoidable, both in life and in relationships. So being able to handle it successfully is key to a healthy relationship. Being able to safely share our thoughts and feelings with our partner helps us to connect with them and view them as someone who we can continue to turn to no matter what life throws at us.
Sense of connection
Because emotional intimacy is based on trust and vulnerability, it also helps us build a deeper connection with our romantic partner; nurturing that connection consistently can lead to a deep sense of being understood, something that most of us seek in our romantic relationships. This also likely leads to the desired outcome of both partners getting their needs met!
Individual benefits
And, perhaps selfishly, emotional intimacy contributes to individual well being, too. When we experience appropriate amounts of intimacy, we see increases in life satisfaction, mental health, and general mood. So, if for nothing else, focus on emotional intimacy for yourself.
Emotional intimacy impacts other intimacy areas
I'd be remiss not to acknowledge one final reason that emotional intimacy is such an important factor to focus on: it impacts those other intimacy areas, as well. Some couples experiences what's referred to as an intimacy gap, or a gap in sexual desire between one partner and the other. This can occur for many reasons, but one way to try and bridge that gap can be to focus on emotional intimacy with your partner first. Sexual intimacy - also known as physical intimacy - often grows from the sense of being understood and truly seen by the person that you share your life with. Making efforts here therefore can spill over into other intimacy areas as well.
Ways to create emotional intimacy
There are a multitude of ways to create or rebuild an emotionally intimate relationship, so this will be a non-exhaustive look at what you can do in your own relationship. However, focusing on the emotional connection between yourself and your partner will be a vital part of the process no matter what. Feeling understood on a deep level is a significant part of being more emotionally intimate, so we will largely look at ways you can foster that connection (spoiler alert: many of them involve a willingness to talk).
Share appreciation and gratitude
With the busy-ness that life thrusts upon us all, it can be easy to fall into a pattern of communication that involves only talking about the basics with your partner. When we combine this with the fact that it is easy to become a bit complacent the further we get into a relationship, we come across a perfect storm of factors that stall or prevent intimacy of any kind.
A relatively easy way to combat this issue and begin building emotional intimacy is to be intentional about sharing your appreciation and gratitude for your partner and the things they bring to your relationships (romantic, family, etc). Showing that appreciation may highlight things that the other person was unaware were important to you, hopefully leading to meaningful conversations and the potential to share some of your innermost feelings. This is where another type of intimacy, word intimacy, can present itself. Knowing the words and phrases that have special meaning to your partner can lead into the next key point: maintaining trust.
Safety and trust
As stated at multiple points during this article, trust is a vital ingredient to any type of intimacy. However, in order to trust we must often backtrack to focusing on safety, especially emotional safety. If we have doubts that sharing our feelings will be well received, people have the tendency to hold back.
Here are some important factors that ensure safety and trust are present:
boundaries
warmth
nonjudgmental space (try out curiosity instead!)
integrity
reliability
accountability
followthrough
knowing what helps you feel safe and secure (then communicating it!)
transparency
honesty
While these "ingredients" alone are not all it takes to build trust, they are certainly important components that can go a long way for any relationship.
Giving the benefit of the doubt
An underrated part of a relationship is the ability to trust that even if you make a mistake, the other person will wait to hear what you have to say before passing judgment. However, if we have gotten into a hurtful cycle or do not feel listened to, this can be hard to do. That's why the ability to communicate openly about situations and waiting to hear the full story before making any decisions can be a powerful tool toward rebuilding an emotionally intimate relationship.
Focus on empathy
Just as with allowing the benefit of the doubt, putting yourself in someone else's shoes can be an important tool in helping both partners feel closer and understood. Realizing that no person is perfect and that you may have made similar mistakes in the past can allow us to empathize with the other person instead of focusing sole on the hurt they may have caused. It's a delicate balance, so try to actively listen to start - you'll get your turn to speak, but just waiting to be heard prevents truly listening to what's being said to you.
Take accountability and make meaningful apologies
At the core of all of what's discussed in this article is mutual trust; in order to build that, we must be able to believe that our partners mean it when they apologize and trust that they will acknowledge when they mess up. And on the flip side of that, it is our job to be vulnerable ourselves and do the same.
Spending intentional, separate time together
This one may seem obvious, but another way to think of intimacy with your partner is closeness. Spending time together where you don't have to worry about kids, or bills, or whatever other stressors are going on in your life is an important building block. So figure out how to be intentional and spend time together!
Can a therapist help us with this?
The short answer: yes! A licensed therapist - especially one trained to help people work on their relationships - is going to be uniquely suited to help those in romantic partnerships gain perspective, increase understanding, and work through challenging times.
Additionally, a therapist can help foster that safe space which is so vital to help couples share potentially difficult feelings and get to a deeper level of connection and understanding. Even those in long term relationships can find themselves struggling due to having felt unloved in the relationship, or not knowing where to start when attempting to build trust after a betrayal. Having a person who can provide support and guide you through the communication needed to address what you're struggling with can be invaluable.
What's next?
If you're still feeling like you need some additional guidance with how to get your relationship back on track, It Begins Within Healing Center has multiple relationship therapists ready and willing to help you and your partner get back on track, feeling understood as a person and reaffirming your bond. You can also check out the overall guide to intimacy article that we have on our site - and keep an eye out for this series to continue!
