5 Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity
Author: Kaitlyn Shelp, MA, LMHC
Reviewer: Dr. Mary Perleoni, Ph.D., LMHC ✓
I am a couples therapist with specialized training in treating couples after disclosure or discovery of infidelity. Here are my top mistakes to avoid after infidelity coming from someone who works with affair recovery every day. This article will be divided into two sections: guidance for the betrayed and guidance for the unfaithful.
The Unfaithful
Mistake 1: Do not wait for them to find out on their own
Perhaps you found this article after a quick Google search looking for help figuring out the next step forward. It is always better for the betrayed partner to hear the information directly from the unfaithful. All trust has already been completely shattered. Hearing it from an external source first or uncovering this betrayal on their own will make the situation much worse for both people in the relationship. If they are left to discover this on their own, they will have a very hard time moving past the "what if" thoughts surrounding if you were ever going to tell them.
Mistake 2: Keeping any contact with the affair partner
The door to the third party must be completely closed in order for trust rebuilding and healing to begin. Yes, this may require you leaving a job, arranging other aspects of your social life, and confronting your own emotional experience of shame and guilt as you see the consequences of your choices unfold. Closing the door the third party is a nonnegotiable step if you are interested in moving forward in a healthy relationship as a couple or coparents.
Mistake 3: Withholding information
The intention behind this mistake is different for everyone. Some think they are protecting their partner by leaving out what they deem to be unimportant or unnecessary details. Some feel too much shame, guilt, or regret to be completely honest with themselves and the person they hurt. Some make this choice because they are still conflicted about if they wanted the affair to end and if they consider what they did to be infidelity.
In couples therapy addressing infidelity, we discuss the concept of proactive transparency and adopt it as a principle at the onset of treatment. Proactive transparency involves hard conversations volunteering as much information as possible. With each question your partner has to ask, another seed of distrust and doubt is planted that will need to be unearthed. Additionally, try to avoid answers like "I don't know" and "I don't remember." If you genuinely do not know or remember, don't make up an answer. Be honest, but use this response sparingly. Complete honesty and communication are foundational in rebuilding trust.
Mistake 4: Blaming your decision to have an affair on your partner
This one can be tricky and I see my fair share of clients of who don't even realize they are doing this. It is not always as straightforward as "I did it because you haven't touched me in a year. What did you expect?" Nobody is to blame for your actions but you. This does not mean you are evil and deserve punishment for the rest of your life, by the way.
It is important for the underlying relationship issues that contributed to the relationship or marriage being vulnerable to an affair be identified and addressed. Addressing the underlying issues can only happen after the betrayed partner has had time and space to process the significant impact to their self esteem and world view that this emotional turmoil presents. They will not be open to hearing "your side" in the beginning. You must be patient. This is part of why couples therapy addressing this issue is so helpful. It allows a neutral third party to give you structure and guidance for how to move forward without glossing over anything.
Mistake 5: Overcommitting and underdelivering
The healing journey in affair recovery is long and winding. It naturally follows a pattern that clinically is referred to as the bipolar nature of healing. It is similar to grief in this way. Some days as okay, good even. Some days feel like day one all over again. One of the roadblocks in this process are stumbles taken on the path of rebuild trust.
It is common for an unfaithful spouse or partner to feel that they are "in the dog house" and want to do anything they can to get back in the betrayed's good graces as soon as possible. Cue overcommitting and underdelivering. A major blow to both partners. Because the foundation that is being rebuilt is so fragile, something like this can lead the betrayed partner to wonder if you are truly committed, if the changes made are going to stick, and if you are making the choices to change for the "right" reasons.
There will be a degree of this questioning no matter what because we are human. Being honest with yourself, your partner, and your therapist about the changes that you are willing to make will prevent as few detours on this part of the path as possible. For example, don't say "I'll delete all of my social media" and then backtrack by saying you've reconsidered and feel you need to keep social media accounts active because it is the only way you stay in contact with some people. You are better off saying "I'm going to really think about deleting everything because I see the value in that, but I have to figure out if there are other ways to keep in contact with so-and-so first. I will let you know if I can commit to this by tomorrow."
The Betrayed
Mistake 1: Immediately making a decision about what to do
Unthinkably intense emotions surface when you find out you've been cheated on. It changes everything. It changes your understanding of your relationship, your spouse, yourself, your entire life in an instant. What was once your safe space is gone.
When emotions run high, we make impulsive decisions that don't involve much of the thinking part of our brain. Our "feeling brain" is only concerned with what is going to make us feel better right this moment. If deciding you never want to see your partner again feels good in the moment, follow that urge for that moment and that moment only. Think about the best decisions you feel like you've made in your life. Were any of them at the peak of intense pain? Probably not. It is okay, and even safer for your mental health, to wait to make a decision until the initial shock wears off.
Mistake 2: Judging yourself for staying
Most couples that end up making it to my office for therapy are at least considering rebuilding the relationship. Some are coming in an effort to learn how to coparent and be "friends." Most of the betrayed partners struggle with the "tolerance" or forgiveness that they extend to the unfaithful partner in the relationship.
We all have an idea of what we would do if were were presented with this situation, and it is most often a black and white answer. What I tell people struggling to heal here is this: you are applying a two dimensional hypothetical version of you to the three dimensional you. Our answers in life are rarely as uncomplicated as "yes" and "no" and it is okay to weigh all of your options. It is possible to heal, rebuild trust, and create a stronger relationship after affairs when both people are committed and intentional about it.
Mistake 3: Telling everyone close to you the details
I know this one may take you by surprise You may be thinking "what?! You're telling me I can't talk to the people who care about me the most when I need them?!" No, that is not what I'm saying. Your friends and family members are likely your favorite people because they are fiercely in your corner. When they are seeing you feeling overwhelmed and in the depths of painful emotions, most of them will experience these feelings with you and feel an urge to protect your well being.
So often in the healing process of couples therapy after an affair, we deal with the "fallout" and aftermath of facing friends and family members after a couple has chosen to work through the affair. You may choose to forgive your partner, but your loved ones may not. Your friends and family mean well, and that is why you love them. But them sharing their strong emotions about the situation and giving advice about what they think is best for you can cloud your own feelings about the situation and sway you in one direction over another. You need the safe space and freedom to move through this at your own pace and explore all of your options.
When leaning on your people for support, I would recommend focusing more on how you are feeling and how they can best support you rather than the details of what is upsetting you. For example, "We are trying to get on the same page about a major bomb that was dropped on our relationship. I don't know what direction I am going to take, but your love and care mean the world to me while I figure it out."
Mistake 4: Punishing the cheating partner for too long
A harsh truth for the betrayed partner is that, at some point, you have to make the decision to forgive. Even if you have no intentions of remaining in a relationship or marriage. It is necessary for your ability to have happy relationships in the future.
If you end up joining me for couples therapy, you will hear me talk about the idea of natural consequences often. They play a huge role in getting the urge for punishment satisfied. Examples of natural consequences for partners who have engaged in an emotional affair, sexual affair, or mixed affair include: lack of affection and warmth, change in daily routine, uncomfortable and expensive temporary living circumstances, confrontation of internal and external feelings of guilt, shame, and blame, loss of friends, loss of job, social rejection, etc. Focusing on seeking punishment takes energy that you desperately need away from healing. Natural consequences will happen, well, naturally.
Mistake 5: Glossing over the "why”
Working with a therapist that is qualified to guide you through this process is essential. I tell my clients that regardless of if you are staying together or moving on, you need to be able to understand what went wrong here and the role you played so you can be aware in your future relationships.
I want to repeat what has been mentioned earlier in the article: an affair is never the fault of the betrayed party. The unfaithful party always has the choice to engage in an extramarital affair. But an affair meets an unmet need and we have to get to the bottom of what that was and why an affair seemed like a viable option.
Breakdowns in communication, putting a person down, not compromising, taking our emotions out on our partners, individual mental health concerns, addiction, etc. are all reasons that can contribute to a relationship being vulnerable to an affair starting. Going to therapy and working with a therapist that you trust will help you the most through this portion of affair recovery.
In summary
I encourage you to check out our other articles addressing infidelity and healing if you have found this one helpful and interesting.
Try This Before Giving Up On Your Relationship
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