When is the Right Time to Consider Couples Therapy?
Author: Betty Saybe, MS, LMFT
Reviewer: Dr. Mary Perleoni, Ph.D., LMHC ✓
Is your marriage in trouble? Have you been considering therapy or counseling to help heal your relationship? Did you know that “when” you get professional help could actually have a major impact on saving your relationship?
As a relationship and marriage counselor, I have the experience of meeting couples often at their worst. There's nothing sadder than realizing that if the couple had just come in a little sooner, they would have had a better chance at repairing the relationship.
One common trend is couples coming in as a last resort, with intense feelings of frustration and resentment towards each other. They are in crisis mode with a laundry list of relationship problems making it hard to overcome challenges. Arriving in crisis mode adds more frustration and resentment because what the relationship needs is stabilization and repair, and sadly, those take time.
Crisis mode requires a longer-term campaign to identify and resolve often years of issues. Using therapy as a final ‘try’ to address relationship issues is a better option than not doing therapy at all. However, counseling services should be the first line of defense.
How long do couples wait to go to therapy?
Couples often wait until the relationship has deteriorated before considering counseling.
When someone has a chronic illness, the sooner they obtain medical attention, the better their chances are at recovery. Romantic relationships need immediate couples counseling for healing. Complex issues are harder to resolve when they have time to develop and are ignored.
Why do couples wait?
Partners may wait because they are feeling overwhelmed with what to do and what their options are. Clients in couples counseling often share they feel lonely and may report symptoms of anxiety or depression from relationship stress. They may no longer feel hope towards the relationship improving. Often many have considered ending the relationship or divorce.
How early in a relationship should couples do therapy?
“Therapy can be most effective when it is a proactive measure”
Therapy can be most effective when it is a proactive measure because it can assist couples with exploring potential issues, developing healthy communication styles, and planning resolutions before the issues have had a chance to impact the relationship negatively.
Too often partners assume that their partner will instinctively know what they find acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Therapy early on can help with identification and expression of expectations, needs, and boundaries, setting the stage for a healthy relationship.
What are signs that a couple needs professional help?
Here are a few signals to look out for that may indicate a couple should seek marriage counseling:
(1) Noticing a repetitive behavior that is troubling,
(2) Difficulties with communication,
(3) Struggles to address conflict in a healthy and compassionate way,
(4) Struggling to cope with life and stress that is impacting the relationship,
(5) Partners start to struggle and question if they are a right fit for each other,
(6) Lack of intimacy,
(7) Personal and family expectations are resulting in disagreements and conflict,
(8) Struggles with establishing and respecting boundaries,
(9) Life changing events (ex. socioeconomic changes, relocations, birth of children, becoming engaged, transitioning from engaged to married, children launching).
What if couples aren't sure they need counseling?
If you are not sure if your relationship is at risk, a mental health professional can provide a consultation or assessment to identify current or potential issues. At It Begins Within, a Prepare/Enrich online assessment that identifies couple strengths and areas for growth can be utilized. We can then create a personalized care and support plan for your relationship's specific issues.
We also offer a free consultation and encourage every client to speak with our clinicians before an appointment.
What can therapy help with?
Therapy is a safe space for:
Engaging in conversations about topics that may feel overwhelming
Learning and rehearsing co-regulation, communication, and conflict resolution skills
Identifying and expressing emotional needs and boundaries
Exploring decisions about the relationships
What can a couple expect from therapy?
Therapy is a supportive environment that provides a place to really dissect and look at the relationship. Learn more about what couples can expect in their first session and more below.
A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding What to Expect from Couples Therapy
Prepare for hard work
Therapy requires working through unresolved issues and acknowledging each person's contribution to the relationship conflict cycle. Homework tasks designed to generalize skills outside of session are assigned.
Slow pacing
Sessions may feel slow as the therapist works on understanding the theme of the issues. It is important to be realistic that change doesn't happen after a handful of sessions. Issues that have been around for awhile will need time to be explored and processed. Typically, a therapist's assessment can take 4-6 sessions.
Sessions are not one size fits all
Therapists will consider the nuances of the couple, severity and intensity of the issues, and couples' goals to create personalized treatment. Your sessions may not look like those of friends, family or even work with previous therapists.
Therapist neutrality
Therapists have a difficult job of maintaining relational balance. They ensure each partner feels heard and understood. Taking sides is not productive, unless it is used ethically by a skilled and compassionate therapist as an intervention to increase awareness but it should not be a constant expectation in sessions.
What will couples be encouraged to do differently in therapy?
Shift mindset to introspection - You'll be encouraged to take ownership of your part in sustaining problematic interactions and to take a step away from blaming your partner.
Step outside of your comfort zone - Change is uncomfortable and can feel threatening. Therapists will encourage a different perspective to facilitate change while holding space for the discomfort.
Be receptive to upgrades - It's crucial to identify and acknowledge that an old way of doing something may not be a good match for your current partner or situation. Partners benefit from experimenting with different styles of interacting than before.
Is couples counseling the beginning of the end?
Honestly, it depends on the couple and their reasons for seeking counseling. Some are ready with a sense of purpose, motivation and commitment that do whatever it takes to repair and restore the relationship. Others come in with a hidden agenda partner who is hoping to use counseling to announce they are done.
Consider a few questions
What is my motivation for therapy?
How willing am I to recognize what I contribute and need to change?
How much effort do I want to put into repairing the relationship?
These are tough questions. An individual counselor can provide support in exploring these further before making decision to pursue more counseling or couples therapy.
What if we are not clear on what we want from the relationship?
A mixed agenda couple is one where a partner is leaning in while the other leans out of the relationship. Being honest with the therapist from the first session allows them to identify the appropriate course of treatment or provide referrals to specialized counselors.
Don’t wait until its too late
Couples therapy is a powerful agent for personal growth that can lead to healthy relationships. It is an effective option at any stage of romantic relationships and investing in therapy early can help resolve concerns proactively. Relationships fall on difficult times when small issues are ignored and allowed to accumulate. If this is your particular case, remember that doing something is better than doing nothing. If you want to explore repair and the relationship, speak to a licensed mental health counselor today.
