Intimacy in a Relationship | The Complete Guide
Author: Lauren Buroker, M.Ed/Ed.S, LMFT
Reviewer: Kaitlyn Shelp, MA, LMHC ✓
When it comes to relationship satisfaction, one of the most vital factors to attain it is intimacy. However, many couples never actually have a conversation about what intimacy in a relationship means to each of them individually, let alone within their specific relationship. This article will explore what intimacy is, how to increase the various types of intimacy within your relationship, and what steps you can take if you feel stuck.
What is intimacy in a relationship?
In order to understand how to address or increase intimacy in a romantic relationship, first we must have a better understanding of what it is. Most of the time when people use the term intimacy in my office during a therapy session, what they are actually referring to is their sex life. And while sexuality is certainly a component of intimacy - as we will explore later in the article - it is not the only aspect.
While we may not always consider it as such, intimacy is actually most intrinsically linked to another common therapeutic term: vulnerability. In essence, being intimate consists of exposing our vulnerabilities (fears, emotions, concerns, needs, wants, etc.) to another person - often our partner - in order to build close relationships and trust. This can happen in a variety of ways, up to and including sex. When we focus solely on sex, however, eventually some roadblocks tend to occur. This can be because we are not truly getting all of our intimacy needs met, or because the sex does not seem meaningful to one or both partners after a time.
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What are the different types of intimacy?
Exploring the multiple different forms of intimacy helps us understand the related feelings, pressing issues, and potential conflict that may result from not addressing intimacy needs effectively. Intimate relationships require many sorts of maintenance in order to continue thriving after the initial stages. These can be broken down into six categories.
Emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy is one of the intimacy varieties that people tend to be familiar with. We can develop emotional intimacy in many relationships, including friendships, those with family members, and of course, romantic relationships. Emotional intimacy tends to be a foundational piece of any strong relationship.
Emotional intimacy involves being vulnerable with another person and trusting that they will reliably and lovingly show up for us. Emotional intimacy also includes others holding us accountable and acknowledging our imperfections in a loving manner. Because of this, emotional intimacy is often shied away from - after all, this is an anxiety inducing endeavor! However, more emotionally intimate relationships tend to encourage feelings of closeness, the sense that your partner understands you, and emotional safety. Committed intimate relationships that lack emotional intimacy may feel lonely, strained, or unfulfilling.
Building intimacy and an overall intimate connection on this level also requires a certain amount of self awareness - struggles with emotional intimacy may indicate a lack of creativity, gratitude, and/or mindfulness in the daily life of one or both partners. As these individual factors can also impact the psychological well being of each partner, it is important that both people have an awareness of their own needs and desires to be able to communicate them effectively to their significant other.
It is also important to understand emotional intimacy because emotional and physical intimacy are often intrinsically related to each other. Emotional intimacy impacts sexual desire and a sexual relationship may not seem fulfilling to one or both partners without addressing emotional intimacy. Developing more emotional intimacy therefore spills over into other forms of intimacy as well.
Sexual intimacy
Sexual intimacy - also referred to as physical intimacy - is the form of intimacy that most often comes to mind when we hear the term. Because sexual desire and sexuality often involve complex feelings and impact our own sense of identity and who we are, physical intimacy in relationships may go undiscussed outside of times when we are actively engaging in sexual activity with a partner.
Furthermore, sexual desire is often impacted by different factors for each partner within the relationship, and may change throughout the course of a relationship. A disconnection from one's sexual sense of self or a conflict between two partners needs for sex in order to feel connection can contribute to conflict or other difficulties. These difficulties include feelings of resentment, emotional lack of fulfillment, and a decreased desire to engage in any sort of intimacy with a partner.
Physical intimacy can also be a difficult concept to address within an intimate relationship because it is often intertwined with both emotional intimacy and sensual intimacy, which we will cover next.
Sensual intimacy
Sensual intimacy can also be referred to as embodied intimacy. This type of intimacy refers to physical touch and pleasure between partners that may or may not lead to sexual acts. Physical affection can be a particularly affirming way to rebuild a connection between partners, because it is harder to misinterpret physical affection than words or unspoken gestures. When we engage in a sensual manner, we are literally engaging with the world through one or more of our five senses. Engaging with a partner sensually allows both partners to mindfully engage in the ways that our body is experiencing pleasure.
Not only can relationship satisfaction be positively impacted by being mindful and intentional about sensuality, mental health and overall well being can also benefit. Relating to your partner sensually can increase the overall connection that you are experiencing within your intimate relationship. While sensual intimacy may be particularly present at the start of committed relationships while both partners are still getting to know each others' likes and dislikes, it may wane over time without specific intentionality.
Intellectual intimacy
While we do not often consider sharing knowledge and learning as an intimate endeavor, it is something that requires a certain level of trust and vulnerability, two key ingredients of intimacy. Having someone that you can speak to about shared intellectual interests is vital to ensuring that a wide variety of interests and needs can be cultivated within your life, contributing to overall well being and flourishing mental health.
Intellectual intimacy can be achieved in any type of interpersonal relationship, however, many find it particularly soothing and meaningful when they can engage in intellectual intimacy within their romantic relationships because it can lead to feeling particularly understood and cherished by a partner. A related concept, word intimacy, is one simple yet meaningful way to address both intellectual intimacy and emotional intimacy. Word intimacy includes intentionality in the way that we use our words when speaking to our partner; it shows particular care and foresight into communication and can be very meaningful, especially if a partner has expressed a preference for a particular phrase or way of being spoken to in the past.
Spiritual intimacy
While spirituality can be a very personal endeavor, spiritual intimacy is just as important to a healthy relationship and lifestyle as any of the other types. Spiritual intimacy includes sharing awe, inspiration, and revelations about life and the world with others. This can take place either in a romantic relationship, or within other social and personal relationships. Because spirituality varies from person to person and often grows with us as we learn more about ourselves, this aspect may change throughout the course of a relationship.
Spirituality may involve religion, meditation, connecting with nature, yoga, or a variety of other practices that bring a person closer to whatever they find meaning in; the spiritual intimacy comes from sharing that within an intimate relationship. Meaning making of any sort adds value to intimate relationships, and having someone who shares the same values and beliefs as you can be particularly satisfying.
Functional intimacy
Many people consider intimacy to be related to passion, and while that is often a building block of relationships, especially initially, spending time together in an intentional manner is often one of the most important things a couple can do to increase relationship satisfaction over time. This is where functional intimacy comes in; functional intimacy includes learning the habits and worldviews of our romantic partner and building intimacy within the relationship by integrating those habits and preferences in with our own.
Because this type of intimacy is often seen as unromantic, it may also end up being the least tended to aspect of a relationship; however, as any relationship counsellor can tell you, the little things that don't get addressed build up over time. Therefore, taking time to intentionally pursue functional intimacy, and it's "partner", experiential intimacy, can have a significant impact on any relationships intimacy.
Experiential intimacy is the act of having shared experiences together. Sharing experiences is a way of bonding by creating shared memories, learning more about your partner, and giving even well-established intimate relationships new things to focus on. While in this article it is discussed in conjunction with functional intimacy, experiential intimacy also increases emotional intimacy.
What are common intimacy issues in a relationship?
A lack of intimacy will inherently take different forms based on the nuances of a relationship, but there do tend to be patterns that present themselves. In order to encourage greater intimacy, addressing the potential conflict that exists within the relationship is vital. Having frank discussions about what each partner is experiencing and feeling allows conflict to effectively be addressed and future problems to be handled more smoothly.
As many of the intimacy issues that bring people to couples counseling at least initially stem from issues in the sex life, that is a large focus of the identified intimacy issues; however, there are a wide variety of problems that can contribute to intimacy struggles within a relationship, and this article is non-exhaustive in covering them.
Distorted thinking
Cognitive distortions - or thinking errors - can show up in many areas of a person's life, but if we have thinking errors specifically related to our intimate relationships that go unchecked, they can feed feelings of resentment, inadequacy, frustration, loneliness and more. Cognitive distortions are a specific type of irrational thought, and like any thought, they have the power to influence how we feel. Especially if we are ashamed of the thought or believe that our partner will not be accepting of it, we may keep it to ourselves and allow other assumptions to build based on that thought. Recognizing when thinking errors are occurring for both ourselves and our partner and being able to call them out in a loving manner is one way to address miscommunication and therefore intimacy.
Decreased desire/lack of physical intimacy
In times of stress or even just after being in a relationship for an extended time, one or both partners may experience a decrease in interest in sexual activity. This can impact the relationship in a myriad of ways, however it tends to cause the most conflict when there is a disparity between partners in the desire for sex. The partner who is more interested may experience rejection, guilt, frustration and sadness, while the partner who is not currently experiencing levels of desire may experience overwhelm, dissociation, and resentment.
While society paints a picture of lulls in sexual activity as one of the hallmarks of a "doomed relationship", this is not generally the case. Especially in long term relationships, there will be ebbs and flows in the sexual connection between two people. The most important factor is to ensure that you have open, honest communication about the topic.
Reactivity
When circumstances get tough, all people have a tendency toward being emotionally reactive. When feeling angry, hurt, or fearful, we might lash out at our partner, or withdraw to protect ourselves. While these reactions rarely have malicious intent, they may cause harm if we get stuck in a pattern of them especially if there are no attempts at repair. Being able to understand when we are most likely to be reactive is the most important step to addressing it and being able to communicate more productively. Approaching problems or fears in a safe manner, though difficult, can foster feelings of connection and intimacy in a way few other experiences can.
Physical intimacy fatigue
Couples who experience a slow loss of passion or decrease in sex over the duration of their relationship are experiencing a phenomenon known as desire fatigue (or physical intimacy fatigue). While this may sound like a daunting term, engaging in stress management, self-care, honest self disclosure, and general respectful communication about sex is a way to get your relationship back on track sexually.
Unsatisfying sexual intimacy or encounters
Related to desire fatigue, couples may experience a period or dissatisfying sexual experiences where one or both partners does not feel fulfilled by what is going on in the sex life. This can stem from a variety of factors, but it's a rarity for bad sex to be the only issue. Communication, safety, intimacy, or unclear boundaries are often what contribute to a lack of satisfaction.
Fear of sharing new fantasies/desires
Additionally, because of the societal stigma that still surrounds sex in many ways, struggles to express fantasies and engage in new ways with sexual desire are fairly common. This may cause a barrier if not addressed or communicated, as not being sexually fulfilled or feeling comfortable to explore sexually may lead to resentment or frustration.
Jealousy or insecurity
Some couples struggle with jealousy only at the start of a relationship, while figuring out parameters and getting to know each other; others experience jealousy throughout the course of a relationship. When it occurs repeatedly, jealousy may stem from insecurity on the part of one or both partners. It is healthy and necessary to have social and personal relationships outside of your romantic relationship; being able to have frank and honest discussions about expectations and boundaries regarding this topic is something that can prevent headaches in the future and increase security (and therefore intimacy!)
Difference in needs
Another barrier to intimacy in a relationship is a disconnect in the needs of the two individuals within the relationship. One partner may desire more sex than the other, they may have different safety needs, or their communication styles may not align. While none of these issues are inherently unable to be overcome, without intentionality and clear communication, they will continue to cause stress and struggles.
The difference in needs may show up in any of the previously identified intimacy subtypes, or in other facets of life. Being self aware about the issues that we may struggle with individually can give us insight into what may crop up as a difference within our relationships. Knowing ourselves is just as important as knowing our partners if we are going to address disparate needs.
What are the impacts of a lack of intimacy?
Understandably, such a wide arching concept also impacts multiple areas of an intimate relationship; for example, mental health, emotional connection, sexual desire, physical health, our general well being, and our ability to recover from a stressful event.
A lack of intimacy in a relationship can also contribute to communication problems, lack of self disclosure, infidelity, or other forms of relationship dissatisfaction.
Perceiving a lack of intimacy in a relationship can lead to one or both partners keeping the other at arm's length, decreasing displays of affection, keeping private thoughts that were once shared to themselves, and a decrease in closeness. Feeling disconnected from one's partner is a common result of a lack of intimacy, and can feed resentment, impact physical health, and potentially lead to the dissolution of intimate relationships if not addressed in time.
How to increase intimacy in relationships
A key element to experiencing greater intimacy within a relationship is to focus on going back to the things that were so purposefully focused on and tended to when the relationship began. If the only time that you show interest in your partner is when you want something, need something, or have a problem, that pattern can lead to resentment or lack of closeness within an intimate relationship. Reconnecting on a deeper level through deep conversations, inquiries into what your partner is feeling, purposefully spending time together, and affectionate physical touch are some of the relatively small things you can do to build intimacy back into your relationship.
Specific factors or "ingredients" that may be able to be honed in on to foster emotional intimacy specifically include: specificity, meaningful topics, owning things/being personal, and remaining present in whatever conversation or shared experience you are trying to engage in.
Trust
As stated multiple times throughout this article, trust is vital to both emotional closeness and intimate relationships in general. While trust is a big topic, it is often small acts that can both build and break it. Research shows that over and over again in relationships, it is the small breaches of trust that accumulate which cause the most damage rather than a singular act (with exceptions, of course). Being intentional about addressing what trust means to each of you and how you can show up in the relationship is one way to reestablish trust and intimacy.
Understanding wants and needs
A common belief that I run into in the therapy office is that once an intimate connection is established, the other person will simply know all your wants and needs, and cater to them accordingly. While those that we establish intimate relationships with do often know us better than any other, we do still need to make sure that we communicate clearly and effectively, especially about the things that we consider most important.
In order to communicate your intimacy needs effectively, you of course must first understand them yourself. Knowing what your non-negotiables and the things you are willing to compromise on are helps you to establish accurate expectations within the relationship. You will also likely need to revisit this conversation relatively often - as our lives change, our wants and needs change with them!
Vulnerability/Safety
Any healthy relationship is going to require a relatively significant amount of vulnerability, however vulnerability is a must when it comes to building intimacy. Going back to the earlier factor of safety, having safety leads to feeling secure which increases our ability to push past the discomfort that can accompany being vulnerable with others.
Factors that can increase a sense of security include: boundaries, a sense of warmth, nonjudgment from both parties, integrity, safety, reliability, and accountability. Having these factors present does not guarantee vulnerability, but they significantly increase the likelihood that one or both partners will be able to cross that barrier and share parts of themselves that they may otherwise keep hidden.
These factors also can have significant impacts on our own individual sources of comfort and safety, including physical well being; when we feel safe, we are better able to combat stressors, move on from things, and engage more positively with the world. Research shows that we hold stress in our bodies, so having a safe place where we can release our fears, concerns, and worries is a practice that benefits not only our relationships, but our individual lives.
Gratitude
Emotional intimacy involves feeling understood and loved by someone else and that they accept the imperfections that even you yourself may not. While this can be a beautiful concept, it can also be a frightening one. As such, it can be important and valuable to express gratitude toward our partner in a variety of ways so that they know we appreciate them accepting us as we are. Showing appreciation is one of the simplest ways to show someone else that they matter to us.
Fear of intimacy and ways to overcome that fear
Even those who have experienced positive intimate relationships in the past may find themselves frozen with anxiety when they consider beginning a new intimate relationship or addressing struggles within a current one. As touched on earlier in this article, intimate relationships require significant amounts of vulnerability; this inherently also opens us up to the possibility of being hurt, rejected, or exposed to other potentially unpleasant circumstances.
As with many fears, one of the most effective ways to decrease our feelings of anxiety is to expose ourselves to proof that despite the risk our brain has identified, positive outcomes also exist - and in fact, we have generally experienced them! Understanding that our brains tend to give more credence to what we generally consider "negative" feelings, helps us to shift the way that we process our experiences. Our past experiences in relationships, both romantic and otherwise, tend to color the way that we react and interact in any current relationships. While this can be beneficial at times, there are also instances where this works against us. Engaging in self-validation, where we acknowledge the truth of our past experiences and the logic behind our brain trying to steer us away from similar outcomes, while also reminding ourselves that all relationships are unique, can be a key step toward keeping ourselves in the present relationship rather than responding to a past one.
Having self awareness, engaging in effective communication, and engaging in individual therapy when needed, are all potential ways to address our own fears of intimacy within relationships. When combining the experiences and backgrounds of multiple people within relationships, there may be times that incompatibilities present themselves, but often even these can be addressed with proper guidance and effort from all involved parties.
How can a therapist help with these sorts of issues?
A therapist or relationship counsellor can help a couple to take a fuller view of the relationship as a whole, which can help the changes that may be required feel less like a slight. Intimacy in relationships is a tricky topic to navigate and sometimes having a professional there to guide you through the process can be a comforting feeling. Just knowing that you are not alone as you navigate potential conflict with your partner and that there is someone on the side of the relationship may ease tension and increase feelings of confidence and the sense that relationship satisfaction is once again attainable.
Now what?
Understanding intimacy more clearly is one thing, but maintaining intimacy involves consistent effort, intention, and affection. Overall intimacy in relationships helps to increase our ability to resolve conflict, build close relationships, and be willing to share our deepest thoughts and feelings within our close relationship. Knowing that we can count on our partner to be there for us in meaningful ways meets one of the most basic needs that human beings have - the need for connection.
Couples counseling is one route that may be helpful when it comes to getting a relationship back on a healthy path. Especially when they have not been addressed in some time, feelings can seem overwhelming or tricky to express to a partner, and being intimate with someone requires a significant amount of vulnerability. A therapist who is trained to help couples work through relationship issues will be uniquely situated to help identify not only how to address current struggles within intimate relationships, but also help couples look back to understand what got them to that point and how to prevent those same patterns from repeating themselves.
It is important to keep in mind that each relationship progresses at its own speed - some couples may find that they only need to make a few adjustments and they feel closer than ever, while other couples may have significant strides to take. No matter what situation you find yourself in, there is hope! At It Begins Within Healing Center, we have several couples therapists who are trained to help you in your journey if you find yourself at a stuck point. Whatever your situation, please remember to give yourselves grace and reflect back to what likely had you searching for an article like this in the first place: the desire to make positive change.
