Are there certain communication patterns in your relationship that seem to cause tension or distance between you and your partner? Did you know that small changes in how you communicate or behave could create a more positive and supportive relationship? Have you ever thought about seeking outside help, like counseling, to work through ongoing issues in your relationship? What might be stopping you from taking that step?

How do I know if my marriage is broken?

This answer will be different for everyone. Doctors John and Julie Gottman have completed over 40 years of research on marriage, what makes it work, and what doesn't. They've identified what is referred to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These are communication styles that, if present, can predict the end of a relationship.

Criticism

This is very different than offering a complaint. A complaint centers around the problem or behavior. Criticism is attacking the character of your partner.

Contempt

Treating your partner with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, or calling them names. Contempt can also look like dismissive behavior such as eyerolling or scoffing. We are truly mean when exercising contempt coming from a place of moral superiority.

Defensiveness

We've all been there, especially when times are tense in our marriage or relationship. Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism and is ultimately blaming your partner, leading to unhealthy and unhelpful conflict management.

Stonewalling

Withdrawing, shutting down, and not responding to your spouse. This is usually a response to contempt coming from the other person in the relationship.

Are One or All of These Symptoms Present?

If you realize your relationship or marriage has one or more of these behaviors, it is an indicator that things are not going well and intervention is needed. Marriages or relationships with the Four Horsemen present and are not making the effort to change are very likely to end.

Just because you identify criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in your relationship does not mean that your both are doomed to lives of unhappiness. The Gottmans also discovered "antidotes" to reverse and replace the unhealthy behaviors.

The Antidotes to Separation & Divorce

Soft start up - the antidote to criticism

Use a gentle tone of voice and body language

Speak calmly and kindly and don't raise your voice. Avoid eyerolling and other behaviors that can send a message of dismissal or disrespect.

Pick a good time

You know your life and you know your spouse. Chances are, you probably have an idea of when a good time to bring something up is. Approaching a situation in your marriage mindfully gives you both the opportunity to put your best foot forward and prevent further argument that you have to add to the list to process through at another time. If you find yourself wondering, think about the following:

• Are you both free from distractions and interruptions and alone together?

• Are both of your physical needs met? Meaning, are either of you tired, hungry, stressed?

Use "I" statements

Express how the problem is impacting you instead of assigning blame. Begin by using this helpful formula: "I feel (emotion) when (situation)."

Offer a compliant, not an accusation

Be specific. A compliant addresses a behavior. A criticism attacks a person's character. Be respectful.

Create a culture of appreciation - the antidote to contempt

Take responsibility - the antidote to defensiveness

It takes two to argue and there is always responsibility to share when an interaction takes a turn for the worst. We know getting defensive and trying to shift blame doesn't help the situation, but is can be natural instinct and a way we try to protect ourselves if we are not aware and actively addressing this trait.

Below is an example of defensiveness.

Spouse A: "Did you end up folding the laundry and starting that load of towels like we talked about last night?"

Spouse B: "No, of course not! You saw how busy my morning got. If you saw that it needed done, you should've just done it instead of nagging me about it."

An example of the same situation, but with taking responsibility instead of defensiveness.

Spouse A: "Did you end up folding the laundry and starting that load of towels like we talked about last night?"

Spouse B: "Aw man! I knew I forgot something this morning. I really should've set a reminder or asked you for the help when I realized the morning was moving too quickly."

Physiological self-soothing - the antidote to stonewalling

When one or both partners in the relationship reach a point of withdrawing and disengaging, it is usually because they are emotionally overwhelmed. When a person become emotionally overwhelmed, or flooded, their pulse quickens, breathing becomes shallow and rapid, stress hormones begin to course through their body, and they end up in a state of fight or flight.

When in this state, nobody is thinking rationally. We are primed to look for and neutralize a threat. We are not concerned with long-term consequences and the only focus is survival.

Reflect back on a time you were feeling overwhelmed with emotion, even happiness, and ask yourself if you were making well thought through decisions at the time.

Our brain can't accomplish two tasks at the same time. When flooded, our thinking brain that is driven by logic and reason does not have the equal influence over our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that it deserves.

We need a healthy balance between emotional and logical influence to make decisions that are best for us and our life. That is why physiological self-soothing is so important.

A therapist can help you increase your self-awareness of your personal early signs of flooding and help you develop skills that will work best for you when trying to regulate and self-soothe.

General tips for self-soothing

Regulate your breathing and heart rate by breathing in slowly through the nose and out slowly through the mouth

Engaging your five senses to help you come back to the present moment. Focus on what you can touch, smell, taste, hear, and see.

Practice a form of progressive muscle relaxation by focusing on tensing and relaxing each part of your body, head to toe, for 5 seconds. Repeat twice and check in on your breathing and heart rate.

Normalize taking breaks during heated discussions for at least 20 minutes. During this time you both need to be out of each other's sight and engaging in something that is calming. This is not the time to be thinking of comebacks or repeating the argument in your head.

Relationships all have different norms and you and your partner can work together or in couples therapy to identify how you want to communicate that a break is needed.

Can a broken marriage be repaired?

Yes! a broken marriage can be fixed if both people are willing to commit to the process and put in equal effort. With the support of a marriage expert in couples counseling can help accelerate the process and increase the desire for change. Much of what is "wrong" in a relationship can be traced back to challenges and concerns with communication and conflict resolution.

How we deal with problems in our lives starts with how we see our family and parents handle these problems we when are children. It is how we first learn to make sense of our world. No two families are alike and there are multiple parenting styles, which we sometimes realize as we get older.

Sometimes we don't because we haven't gotten to the point in our self awareness that shows us these patterns are a problem or there is a different way of going about having a talk and moving forward after a disagreement with our partner.

We can create new norms in our relationships, marriages, and chosen family if we put forward the joint effort to do so.

Working with a therapist individually and/or as a couples will help you identify strengths and challenges in your marriage. Marriage counselors can teach you about how to effectively manage emotional flooding and how to best communicate and resolve misalignment for your relationship specifically.

Can we fix marriage problems on our own?

The answer to this depends on a few factors. You and your partner may be able to self-guide marriage improvement skill building through the use of free or low cost resources available online or in books.

Some of these factors complication the situation and suggest the marriage would benefit from the oversight of a licensed therapist.

What kind of emotional intelligence do you and your partner have?

What kind of family do you each come from? What examples of relationships, communication, and processing feelings did you have growing up?

How do you handle communication together?

Is there any quality time that you enjoy together?

Are you at the point of considering or threatening divorce?

Have you been to couples counseling in the past?

Do you both feel you are putting in equal effort?

Has either person engaged in infidelity?

If you and your partner don't feel confident in addressing these questions together, that can guide you in the decision of going to marriage counseling vs working on these issues alone first.

What's the point? We've been in a failing marriage for years

It can be very frustrating at best and downright defeating and hopeless at worst to see the same issues repeat day after day, year after year. You may be asking yourselves if too much damage has been done due to past mistakes and feeling stuck.

While this can be true, couples are often surprised by how much changes with communication, happiness, and connection early in the couples therapy process. There is relief that can be found in seeing increased self awareness and personal growth in yourself and your spouse.

Working with a couples therapist teaches you how to communicate in a supportive environment and with a neutral third party that is there to give useful insights and guidance.

The counselor's office becomes the place to dig deep into underlying issues. It can make a big difference to know that you have a designated time and space to discuss your differences every week.

Saving your marriage in time

As with most issues, preventing them is the best approach. Incorporating even a few minutes into daily life to do "marriage work" will help you overcome challenges with grace and efficacy and ensures that your marriage begins with an excellent foundation.

We don't know what we don't know, though.

If you are reading this and realizing that the time for prevention has come and gone, you are not alone. It makes sense. Many issues, especially mental health and relationship issues, are dealt with in a reactive rather than proactive way. The National Institute of Health found that, on average, 2.68 years pass between the onset of a problem and a couple entering couples therapy.

If you find yourself in the majority that are reactive, increasing your self awareness around this trait will help you improve communication, conflict resolution, levels of happiness, and ability to seek guidance when you need it.

The sooner the better, even if you feel like you've been able to work through most important things together and gotten through worse in the past.

It is never too early to start to deal with concerns, talk in an honest way about your feelings and lives, learn how to best support one another, and create shared meaning together.

How to fix a broken marriage

Below is a general step by step guide to begin to mend the bond between your and your spouse and create a space for healing. If at any point you find yourself thinking "we could never talk like that", seeking marriage counseling will likely be necessary in order to fix your marriage.

Step 1

Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about the commitment to healing your marriage. You shouldn't threaten or mention divorce unless you are serious. It cannot be used as ammo when emotionally overwhelmed in an fight.

Step 2

Discuss if your trust one another, include why or why not.

Step 3

Look into the Four Horsemen and agree about if they are in your relationship. Next, commit to a plan to create new ways of behaving and communicating in your relationship with the Antidotes.

Step 4

Be willing to self reflect on your life, your current relationship, and your past relationships and the role becoming emotionally overwhelmed or flooded plays in how to interact when you are upset. Do you behave in regrettable ways? have a hard time admitting when you are wrong? can't seem to see the perspective of the other person at the time?

It is important to be willing to be honest with yourself and your partner about these vulnerable topics. Licensed marriage and family therapists are great with giving pointers and feedback about how to better self-regulate our emotions and mental health during fights.

Help that isn't therapy

We are lucky to have a world of information at our fingertips in 2024. There are countless books and other resources to try if you find yourself in a broken marriage and considering divorce and you and your spouse or partner don't want to start marriage counseling right away.

Dr. John Gottman has published over 200 articles and over 40 books on his research. Gottman research outlines 7 principles for making marriages work.

Build your love maps

Do you know what makes makes your partner tick? What have they experienced in life to make them who they are? Love maps include deepest darkest secrets, best and worst memories of childhood, favorite songs and movies, and everything in between.

Nurture your fondness and admiration for one another

This includes what is mentioned about starting to shift out of the negative perspective that is all too common in a broken marriage and into seeing your partner from the positive perspective as your default setting.

turn toward eachother instead of away

Listen to your partner. Take interest in their interests. Respond to their bids for connection.

Accept your partner's influence

Accepting influence in marriage is essential. Afterall, this is a person we agree to spend and build a life with. Compromise is necessary. Letting the person you are committed to influence you and feeling you are respected and valued enough to have influence is a pillar in any healthy marriage or relationship.

Solve your solvable problems

Learn how to have healthy dialogue about disagreement, to actively self-soothe, to make and accept repair attempts, and proactively address issues before they become so demanding of your attention that you are forced to pause life to fix them.

Overcome gridlock

Couples therapy or working with a family therapist (if gridlocked with your children or teens on an issue) can give you tools to move through gridlock with understanding and satisfaction with understanding vs feeling that you've "agreed to disagree."

Create shared meaning

Do you share dreams? goals for old age and retirement? what you want your family to look like? bonding over these shared goals and values can turn a broken marriage into a strong marriage.

Marriage Counseling

Working with a trained therapist in marriage counseling will enhance the work you begin on your own and can jump start your progress in many cases.

Whether at the beginning of realizing there are issues to work through or at a breaking point after years of avoidance, you are not alone in your struggle and do not need to take on the pressure of solving these problems alone.

A couples therapist can help you and your spouse refresh your marriage and end treatment as happier and healthier people.

Counseling is available to you via our highly qualified and trained couples counseling experts located in St. Pete and South Tampa.

Call or submit an inquiry today to be connected with Tampa’s top marriage therapists such as Melissa, Kaitlyn, Lauren, Jordan, Betty, or Paris.