How couples can grow together

2020 has been difficult for many people. Unfortunately, this year has negatively impacted many romantic relationships in the process. Marriage is hard regardless, but being around each other 24/7 with no break, potential money problems, feeling stuck inside, etc., has made individuals unhappy in their relationship.

Some for the first time, others admit their problems have been amplified by quarantine. In my experience as a clinician working with couples, I have noticed that individuals in marriages are “checking out” due to feeling overwhelmed and stressed in their own personal lives. This results in lack of communication, lack of intimacy, and increased conflict.

I have heard couples saying that they are ready to leave their relationship, need several days apart, or express wanting to give up. I recommend attending therapy prior to making any drastic decisions.

Therapy can involve individual therapy to improve mentally on your own so that you can be a better partner or couples/marriage counseling.

If finances do like allow you to attend therapy, here are a few suggestions to try within your relationship.

• First and foremost, it is important for you to enjoy your relationship and partner again. Just because the world is chaotic does not mean that your relationship has to be. Remember, romantic partners should be your safe space and should be the place where you can escape to when feeling overwhelmed in life.

• Enjoying each other just merely means spending time together that does not involve pressure or stress, and just having fun. This can include:

  • going to dinner,

  • creating a date night at home,

  • cuddling on the couch, playing a game,

  • whatever you did prior to quarantine that you enjoyed with your partner. Making time for romance and fun with your significant other will improve your mood and interactions within the relationship.

• When you begin to enjoy spending time together, communication and intimacy will improve, and resentment will decrease.

Communication is important in any relationship but especially in times like this. Communicate about what is going on in your head, what your fears are, what you’re unhappy about in your life, relationship, occupation, etc.

As a partner you need to communicate your emotions but also be receptive to your partner’s emotions, needs, and wants. I always suggest starting out a conversation by saying, “on a scale from 1-10 in happiness, with 10 being ecstatic and 1 being miserable, where are you in your life.” When your partner answers, you follow-up with “what would need to change to have that number reach a 10?,” and finally, “how can I as a partner support you in reaching that 10?

Finally, intimacy is significant in any relationship and I am aware that intimacy may be at the bottom of your list right now. So let me say that intimacy does NOT mean sex (but it definitely can include sex). I am talking about cuddling on the couch, holding hands on an afternoon walk, having a deep conversation that results in a substantial hug. It is important to feel this intimacy with your partner to again, enjoy their company but also feel safe in their presence.

To recap, focus on enjoying time together, communicate your emotions about your relationship and position in life, and improve mental and physical intimacy. Just know that many couples are going through very similar scenarios and are feeling hopeless in their relationship due to outside circumstances that WILL eventually change. You are not alone and with couples focusing on these three domains of their relationship I have seen immense improvement. Do not give up on your relationship or marriage because of this difficult time, if anything your partner needs you the most right now and vice-versa.